Tentative Birthday Party

Brothers and friends, i MIGHT hold a bday party over at my crib for the LAST TIME this coming july. Probably a combined one with a dear brother of mine, Iylia Khan S/O Jeffrey Khan, whose birthday is on the 22nd of July. Yes, the last time because my family and i are gonna shift out in november. =(( The thought of shifting out really sucks, i've been living under the same room for 15 years. Ahh...i'll leave that for another day. Sigh.

Anyway, i think it would be a great idea to celebrate my 20th bday..which is on the 5th of July =) , at my place for the last time with the brotherhood and close friends....along with BOOZE, food, great music and definitely great company! Its a proposal which i have yet to discuss with my dad, but i guess it shouldnt be a problem. After all, its the last time i will ever celebrate my birthday in that house. Rest assured i will keep you all updated! Just try to make yourselves free during the weekends on the 1st or 2nd week of july.

For the time being, it would be greatly appreciated if you all could start saving up to get me and iylia nice presents! lol. JUST KIDDING. But if you insist on getting me something, by all means pls do. hahaha. But most important of all, your attendance would definitely be much more appreciated. =)

Yawwwwwwwnnsss!

This is my 3rd time doing night shift and it seems so looong and i'm feeling really sleepy. My first time doing night shift wasnt really bad...time seemed to pass really quickly. However last night was pretty slow and i began to feel sleepy at about 4-5 am?

yeah...anyway..all i can think of is my bed right now, i just wanna dive into it and sleeep till its time for dinner. ok maybe not so long because its my off day today and i think i'm going for a run with iylia and leon. lol..yes a run after so long. i'm too tired and sleepy to think of breakfast at this moment.. gosh i cant stop yawning and tears jus keep forming everytime i yawn. goshh....working during the night shift is NO FUN AT ALL. yes i do get to go online, take breaks and shit as and when i want to...and i really mean SHIT, thats about the only thing i can do! wait...this is already like a 9 hr break for me..the only set back is that i cant sleep! ok ok..i do sneak to the baggage room once in awhile to take 1/2 hr naps. LOL. Ssshhhhhhhh.....of course without my duty manager knowing...though i think she has an idea that i'll be at the back taking a "break" when i'm not behind the desk. hurrr. ok i know this entry is boring but i'm just typing this for the sake of doing something to keep myself awake besides playing online games on addictinggames.com, mousebreaker.com and spider solitaire. i get sick and tired playing games after sometime.

Oh oh! Last night as i was delivering newspapers to the rooms at about 5am..i heard a couple banging in their room. WHO THE HELL DOES IT AT 5AM?!?!?! oh my...they must have been doing it alllll night looong. hmmm...lol.

ok my manager and colleague are back from their break and its now MY TURN to take a "break"....go figure.

Love Seems Like a Playground

many of you may think that i'm out of my mind to blog on a something which is quite sensitive. yeah maybe i am, but there are thoughts running in my head and i just wanna let it off and maybe you'll understand how i feel and the pain i'm going through. again, i'm not seeking sympathy from anyone, just thought of sharing my point of view.

well i'm sure many of us have heard from your parents or even religious leaders that sex is very sacred and is therefore meant for married couples. Well, apparently this morale is hardly practiced today and i'm not really proud to say that i didnt. However, i think or USED to think that it is a stage in a relationship where the couple feels and think they are meant for each other because of many factors, just to list a few, the strong affection and love towards each other, good times and bad spent together which bonds the 2 and makes them stronger as 1 and many others. As cliche as it may seem, it is happening in this world and society that we are living in right now. Yes i am also aware of so called "predators" out there who prey on others for the sheer fun of it, those who appear to be sweetie pies and a gentleman with ulterior motives behind it, especially when they've only gotten to know each other for such a short period of time (am not refering to anyone in particular, just generalising), but i guess who am i to judge? And also those who have this mindset that it is perfectly normal to have sex in any relationship regardless of whether its at an early stage or it has been going on for quite sometime and when it doesnt work out, theres no hard feelings involved and they just move on. Ok maybe i have no right to say that no hard feelings are involved, there definitely is, but its just not as hard as compared to those who feel that person is the one, to move on.

Having said all of the above mention, I just wanna share with you all, from a guy who takes relationships very seriously, (albeit the fact that i was a bastard once, but that doesnt define what i am now, unless i'm some recalcitrant) that being so physically close with someone whom you thought is "the one" will leave with you and in you a very strong emotional attachment. Trust me, this feeling kills you from the inside and it can either break you or make you. Here is just an example from a recent post by iylia which kinda expresses how i roughly feel. (i hope you wont mind bro!)

IF i do ever get into another relationship in the future, i wouldnt wanna come to a point where i would be immuned to all these feelings that i'm feeling right now even when i get married because i have a heart, a pretty compassionate one.

Oh Playground Love

Knee Injuries

DARN IT! I just found out that its gonna take me 6 MONTHS of gym work out and exercising to fully recover from my knee injury. THATS DAMN FRICKING LONG...and my knees are hurting. =((((( prob because i strained it by running for 2 consecutive days. i'm really gonna take it slow from now on.

here's the link of the website on how to recover from a knee injury:

CLICK HERE


Anyway...i've got so much to blog about but i'm just gonna leave that for another day because i'm really sleepy.

yes...TGIF!!!! Chill out session with the brotherhood ahh hoood after work at night! Its been ages since i last met them. i'm definitely looking forward to that. As for now...

NITE!

this so called "manipulation"

well it seems that someone or some people have misunderstood me for "manipulating" the minds of my ex's friends, which was NEVER my intention. I am shocked how it got to that level of "mind games" which could be because i mentioned that i was thankful for them in the previous post. Therefore, i thought i should make things clear especially when i feel someone maybe trying to "manipulate" her mind into thinking that i am the villain.

As much as i hate what has been done towards me, i'm not childish to reciprocate in hurting back by taking away her friends though i was pretty spiteful by the words i said. But hey, I'm Human, i have a Heart and i have Feelings. So dont judge or blame me for voicing out my thoughts and feelings about this because you are not in my position. Anyone..especially someone in particular, might have said that i've told them my "presumed" version of the story, but am i not wrong to presume it that way? if i am wrong, pls by all means enlighten me. Besides, we did try to see your point of view, based from the email which i was told everything that had to be said was stated in there, didnt make much sense at all. Let me repeat, for the last time i hope, you didnt say that you choose to be with him even when i asked you to choose over the phone, i was left dangling in midair. So dont accuse my or my friends' "presumed" conclusion was wrong because, lets just say it was pretty damn obvious that what was stated in the email prior to the so called relationship you're in formed no link and made no sense at all. Unless there were things which were missed out in the email. Oh yes, it just happened anyway. -_- Anyway..I dont think anyone who may not know me well will disagree with what i've said based on what was stated in the email. Dont worry...i cant be fucked anymore because i'm not reaping what i've been sowing. i just wanna clear things..since you see me as just a friend.

I've learnt from THE BROTHERHOOD that friends may disagree or show unhappiness about the things we do. But the difference between "true" friends and friends is that they express their opinions and thoughts whether they like the way things are or not upfront. But no matter what, they will always be your friends. So dont worry, your friends will always be here for you and they have always been though i may have spent time with some of them. Besides, everyone has their opinions and thoughts, you dont have to listen to them if they dont make sense to you.

Once again, I did no part in "manipulating" their minds, but if you still think so...by all means believe whatever you still believe.

BrotherHOOD for LIFE

in the midst of this storm/crisis/tribulation/ whatever you wanna call it that i'm going through, i'm really thankful that i have the brotherhood..no wait, its THE BROTHERHOOD, thats right! and also friends like, just to name a few, cuishan, casey and parv, who have just been there for me when i really needed it. Thank you guys so much.

Anyway, the main highlight of my off day was that i finally gotta meet leon and zhen after soooo looong..not forgetting iylia too, whom i met 2 days ago. =) I'm really glad that misunderstandings have been cleared and that we've thrashed things out among ourselves. I also found out some stuffs from leon about someone. I was shocked just like how they were when they found out whats going on. Ahh...i cant be fucked to mention it. Just gd luck to her. Anyway..although we have not met for the past few months, we still felt tight. No no you twisted minds, tight as in close as bros, like we've been meeting up almost every week...though there might be a possibility that either one of them is gay...but DEFINITELY NOT me. lol. Oh wells, yay! i'm just glad that we are still close and i cant wait to chill out on fri with them and the rest of the brotherhood over drinks. Brotherhood ahh hoood!

I went for my FIRST RUN in months this afternoon...and i seriously felt like fainting under the scorching heat. Well, i ATTEMPTED to run my usual 5km ( i know you guys think i'm insane) which of course, i did not manage to manage to complete it. However! i'm very satisfied with my performance because i ran about 3 to 4 km despite the fact that i've not been exercising for months and....yar..thats all abt it. Yup somewhere between 3 to 4 km...but it felt like i ran 10 km! Surprisingly, my legs arent aching and my knee feels fine during and after the run! woohoo!! Cant wait to get back to playing rugby, but i have to hit the gym to strenghten my knees. I dont wanna pull my ligament AGAIN 'cause it hurts like fuck. But its nothing compared to what i'm feeling now.

anyway, i'm sleepy and i have to work from 11am-7pm. so GD NIGHT!

SO the truth is out, hidden beneath nth but LIES

thats it.
i'm done WITH YOU.
so much hurt and lies you've inflicted on me
with your actions which do not link with the words you say
so much for being your "best guy friend" lol.
but i'm not gonna let this bring me further down
in a grave that you've digged for me
i'm gonna come out strong
its fucked up to know you're seeing "him" now
calling him baby and shit
so much for being "pretty good friends",
probably with benefits,
in such a short period of time.
"AMAZING GRACE!"
at the same time telling me you still care
giving me "hope" for the future
because you dont want to be distracted
for now as its an important year
and you want to find "yourself"
or be by "yourself"
because you wanna step out of your comfort zone.
OH ALL FUCKING BOLLOCKS.
ALL LIES.
even the tears you shed over the phone
are fake to me.
you're probably lying to him or yourself too.
i hope you are and i hope he reads this too.
because i know you're being a bitch
you ought not to be.
OMG i still see hope in you. =)
i'm not gonna wait like a fool
and be your safety net while you "explore the world"
with different guys.
i'm just gonna move on
and explore what God has installed for me.
Because i guess,
i deserve someone much better
than you.
However
its gonna be a really painful process,
but i'm going to,
i have to
even though i'm in this alone.
i'm surprised it took you such a short period of time
to move on
while i'm left in the ditch.
no i'm not seeking sympathy from anyone
ESPECIALLY YOU.
it will take quite awhile 'cause
i have a heart,
unlike you,
which needs time to be healed.
no i shall not bring up the promises made,
memories and sacred moments shared
for they have become
of no value.

goodbye my ex-lover,
goodbye my so called friend.
you have been the one for me.
its such a shame for us to part
and a disappointment for
leaving me alone
to mend the broken pieces.

now you've got your wish
i'm moving on without you.
all the best with "him".

p.s. maybe i should hand over the purple throne which you gave me for him to wear. right baby? oh yes...you're gonna tell me you can always make a new one. its ok..i'll just burn this one then. =)

oh what a waste.

My heart feels numb

I'm in a melancholy mood..and all the songs of sadness keep playing in my head.
One of many songs is this...


Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can't seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Now girl, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it's all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around...

What Goes Around, Comes Back Around Up Your Arse

i've heard from and seen a few friends and acquaintances who had and are having long-distance relationships which do work out in the end. Everytime i look at them i wonder to myself "Why cant I be like them?" "Why cant mine be as successful as theirs?". Surprisingly i dont hate them, i feel happy for them. At the same time, i feel sad for myself. Why cant i be happy like them? Dont i deserve to be happy with someone i love though its a long distance relationship? yes i screwed up once, but i've fought so hard to prove that i'm worthy, sincere and repented. Why isnt that good enough to you? Am i not good enough? WHY? WHY? WHY?!?!

I hate being left alone to get over you..while you're going out with someone developing something new. Talking to him almost every night. Things i used to do and someone's doing it too. i hate it i hate it I HATE THIS!! Why cant it be just you and me? Why? This is so unfair...so FUCKING UNFAIR. I dont wanna be a safety net where you can just fall back on when things dont work out. Why do we have to go through this? We dont have to at all. But why? I'm beginning to feel useless, lousy and used after all the talk of saying that "ITS NOT OVER",that there's "HOPE" and "LOVE NEVER FAILS". What love is there left now for me when you're beginning to start something new with someone else? What more a barker boy. HAH! What a small world. Its such a shame that all the words said and efforts put in seem to have gone down the fucking canal into the sea just like that.


What can i do to make it right?
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
What did i do or say?
That pushed you away


I guess i'm getting a taste of my own poison...but i dont deserve this shit. i dont deserve it anymore.

Well, the saying goes, what goes around comes back around. Except that this time it comes straight up your arse, with a possibitlity that it might make a couple of twists and turns.

I cant wait to find out what else is installed for me, it will or might just turn out to be the "best" birthday present to recieve in a few months time.

Oooo...how exciting.

. . .

BACKSTREET BOYS - WAY BACK TO YOUR HEART

I dont get it, whats the point of telling me that everything she said to me in the past, present and future will stay the same? who does she think she is? God? What more when she has given me a lil hint that she like this other guy who happens to be my ex primary sch mate and is in melbourne at her very own convenience? GEEES....will someone pls enlighten me whats between the lines or double confirm what ever i think it is?

Why tell me that i have to get over you? Why about you? Is it because you have gotten over me and you just wanna move on? Getting sick and tired of me? So you're trying to get me to be sick and tired of you? Fuck balls BITCH! And all you can say is "what can i do?" when i've been trying so hard to put things back together? Oh yes...what can you do especially when there's someone NEW and INTERESTING who can dance like SEX and is CUTE, whom you've met in your life? I'm sure that there's nothing you can do about that. Then whats the point of telling me that whatever you've told me in the past present and future will always be the same? Oh oh and please enlighten me on another perspective. Whats the rationale of telling me that there's so call HOPE for us in the future when you like someone else now? Enough of "if we really do love each other, we will eventually find ourselves back in each others arms." BOLLOCKS! You are definitely wrong and I dont believe in that and will never live with something which movie directors imagine and come up with their special minds. If we really do love each other so damn much, we go through thick and thin. Just the 2 of us all the way and no one else. THAT doesnt make any COW SENSE! So QUIT playing games with my heart and giving me a false sense of hope.

Yes i may have failed you once in the past, but i've been trying to put pieces back together with my own bare hands and all my heart. But i guess you cant seem to get over the things which i did that broke your heart. I'm sorry i failed again..i'm sorry i failed to hold you and pick you up from the this hell whole because you find mine unstable. I'm prob just a broken net you're left dangling on waiting for someone else, a prince charming to grab whole of you and land in his nicely mended net, while i mend mine. Not only have i failed in this, i've also failed because i cant be there where you are...whereas that someone can.

Pretty convenient eh? Dont we just love convenience. Well i've learnt the hard way that taking the most convenient route can be the wrong and dangerous one.

So what do i do? Follow my heart or mind? My mind tells me to fuck it because she doesnt seem to give a fuck about us anymore. Oh wait..there's no more us..just friends..ok well bestfriends according to her. So what more hope? But my heart tells me i love her like hell and it wants to go all out and take chances till it stops beating.

So tell me? do i follow my heart or mind?

GOD NOW WOULD BE A FUCKING GOOD TIME TO SAVE US...wait a minute..just her will do.

it seems after trying...the pieces dont fit anymore.

Only you can set me free

YAAAAAAWWWWWWNNNSSSSSS!!! Good afternoon world. I just woke up after 8 hrs of sleep and i'm still sleepy. =/ Anyway..i'm having 2 off days this week! Thats because i was working during labour day which means my supervisor still owes me an extra day off. I had no choice but to clear it by this month, therefore i decided to take wednesday and thursday off together. It was a pretty good choice i must say because i gotta catch the A div rugby semi-finals, meet up with ronald whom i have not met in AGES and club. =)

The semi- finals was quite a disappointment. Why? ACJC lost to ACSI 15-6 and my brother didnt get a chance to play. But i gotta give it to both teams, it was indeed a good game. Both sides played their hearts out. However ACSI had the upper hand becaue they are just damn good. ACJC played well as well...they managed to camp in their opponents half but mistakes just caused them to lose possession of the ball. Sigh..it would be much more exciting if its an ALL AC finals. Oh well..another game was RJC vs SAJC. Dont wanna go into details how the game went because i cbf, but RJC won. So its ACJC vs SAJC fighting for 3rd/4th placing and ACSI and RJC in the finals.

(ACSI...PLEASE THRASH MOTHERFUCKING ARROGANT CUNTS)

Went to meet my bro and his gf at serene centre after the match because he left earlier and FORGOT to bring along his boots. I realised it was time for me to go home after half an hour because i had to meet Ronald in town for dinner followed by a night of fun to let our hair down. Should have just gone straight home after the match instead. I must say my bro's a really sweet guy because he sent his gf home last night. Hmmmm....now i know why he comes home late everday. haha. Sigh...why cant things be the same as before. If only i wasnt such a fool.

Anyway...dinner with Ronald was great! Ate at nydc and had a great time catching up with Ronald. We miss the good old times.

MAMBO NIGHT WAS AWESOME!!!!!

It has been a month plus or so since i last clubbed and AGES since i went to mambo at zouk! i really like dancing to retro songs with those hand moves. Its quite dumb, thats why it makes it fun. =) Ron and i first went to MOS..we got in free through his friend who is a member. It was quiet boring because there were only 3 of us. After that we met Ronald's friends and headed down to zouk to MAMBO. hahaha..had fun dancing to retro songs and the hand signs.

Amazing it seems, in the midst of the fun i was having, i wished a special someone was there with me.

No i wont wait forever

watched spider man 3 with ryan and aaron at the grand cathay right after work at night last saturday. i heard from others who watched the show earlier than me that it isnt as good as spider man 2, but i think otherwise! i think its an awesome show with great morales and lessons behind it. errrm...the only lessons depicted from the movie i can think of now is that revenge is like a poison as you will not only cause harm to yourself but your love ones as well and to learn to forgive yourself. I feel its really important for us to give ourselves another chance. Ok its not like spider man 2 didnt have good lessons to learn from but the 3rd one is way better! Well, i got really emotional during the movie because it brought me on a guilt trip. I somehow felt that like i was in the same shoes as peter parker. NO not his life as spidey man but his love life. just watch it and those of you who know me well enough will know what i mean.

it has been abt 3 months and things still arent the same like how it used to be..well i can say its better but its just not what i expect it to be, especially after putting in so much effort. I dont want to beat myself up...but i just keep asking myself why and where did i go wrong again? Probably because my looks becoming boring and some dude is cuter so might as well go for a change eh? It keeps flactuating like the stock market, pretty unpredictable. There would be days when i would feel mellow and thank god because its getting better and overnight it can be totally different. I really wish to believe and accept whatever reasons were given for being "different" but my intuitions (NOT female) tell me otherwise. But what can i do? In the midst of this so called storm, I feel that i'm getting a taste of my own poison (not about revenge..well maybe towards me), despite all the sacrifices made, being utterly apologetic about my mistakes and proving that i've repented and am really sincere towards that person. Guess thats life, one mistake is all it takes to ruin all your good impressions or deeds...and it takes 10 times more effort to make up for that mistake and prove to the other person and most importantly yourself that it wont happen again. I've done that..what now?

I wonder how long more can i take this...my so called "high" tolerance level is taking a toll on me and i think i'm sick...getting sick and tired too.

anyway..check out the OST by snow patrol. "signal fire"

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
'cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me,
All I wanted just span right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out,

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this here falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I wont wait forever
No I wont wait forever

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this here falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this here falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,

No I wont wait forever
No I wont wait forever
No I wont wait forever

wrinkled ball-less swindler

NO i'm not refering to myself. The public commuters of SMRT and i were really disturbed by this insane indian man. Especially ME. because HE DISTURBED MY SLEEP! i was seriously tired from work..showing potential guests around the resort and running errands. Anyway...the train ride started from harbourfront. I immediately dozed off into sleep with my Ipod on the moment i sat down in the train. I think after stopping at chinatown, that insane man started talking really loudly...and ITS REALLY LOUD. So loud that i could even hear clearly what he was saying with my ear phones on. Usually, i wont be able to hear anyone sitting beside me talk clearly with my ear phones on because it kinds of cuts out most of the external sound as it goes inside the ear canal. No he wasnt sitting beside me, prob 4 or 5 seats away and i could hear every single word he was saying. that motherfucker woke me up...i wasnt the only one he disturbed. Damn it...i really needed the sleep and rest and he just had to spoil it.

Initially i thought he was scolding someone over the phone because he was talking about morales (hah!) and some other stuff which i forgot. BUT NO....he was giving us a long story telling session because i actually asked the guy sitting beside me if that mad man was on the phone and he said no. That MAD MAN was bad mouthing about everything, from the Government of Singapore, particularly LKY, politics in the past, expatriates working here, how indians and malays are indirectly being discriminated because he sees that there are more successful chinese men out there and the former ethnic groups are not given equal chances or opportunities. At the same time...he was being sour about the caucasians. There were also SENSITIVE topics such as religion...omg he thinks he knows the bible, kuran and other books inside out....he mentioned something about why God gave men two balls and why do they have to be castrated. LIKE WTF?!?!??! He seemed so sour...as though he had his balls castrated for some reasons...


So he started his "speech" from chinatown. Actually i couldnt really tell if he was talking to us because he was looking down, probably at his ball-less dick, and sitted with his arm folded. At first i couldnt be bothered with him and decided to attempt going back to sleep...but nooo....he just kept talking and talking even louder. I couldnt believe this, i actually saw a SMRT staff walk past the insane man and didnt bother to do anything about that man. He was probably too intimidated by his loudness and alighted at the next stop.

Initially, the guy, his gf and i were contemplating whether to jus leave him alone. However, i jus couldnt take it anymore after abt 4 stops because i couldnt tolerate his bloody FAKE british accent and the sensitive topics he brought up. Therefore, i took a deep breath and raised my voice telling him to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Well, i suggested to him to head to a public speaking corner to voice out his views and he was afraid to lending up in jail. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! CHICKEN SHIT! So i told him that if he's so afraid...then all the more he should just shut the fuck up because the police can still arrest him for making false accusations without prove. Or maybe have a talk with LKY and his ministers over coffee at the istana. i'm sure that can be arranged...with him chained up. Ahh...and this went on for a few mins and he was aruguing like a kid for a brief moment cos he was calling me names to shut me up. what a loser. He was still looking at his crotch while talking to me.

What a train ride home, it was fucked up because i couldnt sleep. However it was quite satisfying as well, because i managed to shut him up by telling him that everyone in the train must be thanking god he isnt a politician and calling him a pussy and chicken ball-less dickhead at the same time. Come to think about it...that makes no sense...

hmmmm....