when darkness turns to light, it ends tonight

Today, I've decided that its time to end this chapter of my life and start a new one. Well, one of the ways i'm going about in moving on is to shift to another blog. some of you may think its an unnecessary move, but i feel it has to be done because there are just some memories (which no longer hold any meaning to me) that will hinder me from letting go and moving on. No i'm not saying i havent, i already have. I just wanna fresh beginning.

The new blog site is not really up yet because i'm still figuring out how to edit my page. Nope i'm not going back to blogspot, am thinking of trying something new. Rest assured i'll update all you fellow readers of SUAVEBRENDAN on the URL once its done. =)) just pm me on msn messenger or i'll pm you to inform you about the new blog.

Just wanna thank all you readers out there, be it brothers, sisters or friends...for bothering to care for me all this while when i needed it, by checking the updates of my life in this blog. I wouldnt be where i am right now if not for the advices and time sacrificed to be there for me when i really needed. THANK YOU.

Till then, good night and i'll be back! CIAO!

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

Not Quite My Juliet

If you just walked away
what could i really say?
It wouldn't matter anyway.
It wouldn't change how you feel.
I've fought so hard for you
but you still walked away.

Yet you claim I'm being missed
and I'm your future
while you're at it with someone else"super".
He is "Mr Brightside" you say
then what am i today?
Tell me what should i believe?
When all I see are contradictions.

There's only so much i can say
the rest i leave it to God's way
For now
I've packed a change of clothes
and i guess
its time to move on.

Ok, i believe you but my tommy gun dont

I am heaven sent.
Don't you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted.
What all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told.
I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems.
Shelter from cold.
We're never alone.
Coordinate brain and mouth.
Then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out.
I wish I knew.
I hope this song starts a craze.
The kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
The kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are with who ever they're there with.
This is war.
Every line is about who I don't wanna write about anymore.
I hope you come down with something they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for.
Holding on to your grudge.
It's so hard to have someone to love.
Keeping quiet is hard.
Cause you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start.
At least pretend you didn't want to get caught.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe... in us.
We're so controversial.
We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth.
We are the best at what we do.
These are the words you wish you wrote down.
This is the way you wish your voice sounds.
Handsome and smart.
My tongue's the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart.
And it's all from watching TV and from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn't stop if I could.
It hurts to be this good.
You're holding on to your grudge.
It hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love.
So let it go.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe...
We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe... in us.

This is the craze only we can bestow.
This is the price you pay for loss of control.
This is the break in the battle.
This is the closest of calls.
This is the reason you're alone.
This is the reason you fall.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe...
We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe... in us.

reminisces

blasting: 3 doors down - here without you


arrggghh....i'm just too tired to blog now.

gd night.

Try this On, Straightjacket Feeling

I'm AMUSED that you're so good at pretending everything is alright.

Excuse me,
while i fall apart, dont flatter yourself sweetheart

.

Back me down from backing up
Hold your breath now it's stacking up
Etched with marks, but I can deal
And you're the problem and you can't feel
Try this on, straightjacket feeling
so maybe I won't be alone
Take back now, my life you're stealing

Yesterday was over
Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me again

Trust you is just one defense
off a list of others, you don't make sense
Beg me time and time again
to take you back now, but you can't win
Take back now, my life you're stealing

Yesterday was over
Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That FACE is tearing holes in me again,
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you

And when the memory slips away
There will be a better view from here
And only lonesome you remains
and just the thought of you I fear
it falls away

Yesterday was over,
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you

As i was deleting the old smses in my inbox, I came across a msg saying that "by getting into a relationship now, it will jeopardize our chances of having a relationship at the end of the yr. i just want us to be bestfriends for now." Well, looks like it has already been jeopardized..even if its being best friends.

I guess..i'll be better off without people like her.

TGIFF

THANK GOD ITS FUCKING FRIDAY!

Wooohooo! thank god again i'm working from 11am-7pm today and that tomorrow's my off day! like FINALLY. so that means i can be merry and drink with the brothers till late at happy daze without having to worry about waking up early for work. Sleep till lunch time and wake up in time for youth service. Yeah yeah...go ahead and think that its blasphemy to get high the night before going to church, i dont give a fuck. Anyway...even though the band is gonna do without the bassist (Darren's going for church camp) and the drummer (in camp i think?), i'm sure its gonna be a fucking great night. Its unfortunate that leon wouldnt be able to join us because he's in bali with his folks. I'm very sure he misses the brotherhood..lol. of course we miss him too. =)

Its now 330am and i'm supposed to be sleeping by now. My eyes look like slits and my body needs rest, but i'm so afraid to sleep because my head feels heavy from all the thoughts, images and shit flashing in my head. what a fucking heavy burden and pain i have to live with everyday, putting on a fake smile when i work and sometimes in the past, try to be happy when i'm with my friends. dont get me wrong, i really thank god i have friends who can be there for me when i really needed, but sometimes i just feel FAKE like porcelain. =/

Tears In Heaven

Before i try to get some sleep, i just remembered that i had a...well...emotional dream a couple of nights back. I dream i was in heaven (i think), and i met someone, all i did was just look at her and tear without saying a word. It was a scene of her enjoying herself, probably having the time of her life on pastures green. However, not realising that i was existent, even when i was standing right beside her looking in awe of her beauty and grace, the apple of my eye. i guess that was why i tear. Gd night.

Would you know my name? If i saw you in heaven.

I guess not.

I feel you from a distance

I feel you crawling underneath my skin,
starting from the nerves sending blood
rushing up my head
like a volcano about to erupt.
I feel flushed
and it feels like i have a fever.
I feel you through my bones,
sending tingles and shivers
throughout my body.
When i feel these,
thoughts just keep rushing in.

Everyday i fight these feelings,
but it just keeps bringing me down.
For your sake i will try to hide these feelings
you can run all your life, all mine i will chase

There's a saying
you should never fight your feelings
when your very bones believe them.

But sometimes i wonder
Is this a spell which i am under?

Love and Hate - caught in between

Now i know how it feels like to hate someone so much because you love her so fucking much more. I hate this feeling, of getting caught in the middle of love and hate. Well, i cant say which side weighs more because it swings like a pendulum..and that affects my mood as well.

Someone posted me a pretty simple question, but yet it required me to go through the process of killing some brain cells when trying to give an answer, "What do you want out of this?".

Frankly, i really cant decide when my feelings and emotions are mixed.

sometimes, JUST SOMETIMES, i just wish i have a heart like stone so that i can be immune to these kind of feelings. Oh and a brain which has a "delete" button to delete the memories which seems to no longer hold any meaning now.

Fuck i hate this feeling. -.-

A hundred things to see

When you're finding ways to kill time when there's nothing to do at work.

001. Real Name - Brendan

002. Nickname - Blim & Suave

003. Single or taken - Single

004. Astrological Sign - Cancer

005. Male or Female - Male

006. Elementary School - Anglo-Chinese School (Junior)

007. Ipod - Photo (White)

008. How many buddies on your Friendster list - 639

009. Friendster name - Brendan

010. Hair Color - Natural light brown

012. Hair Long or Short - Short

014. Eye Color - Brown

015. Are you health freak - Not really

016. Height - 173cm

017. Do you have a crush on someone - Nope

018. Do you like yourself - Yeah i guess

020. Think you're awesome? - I'm fucking awesome

021. Piercings - Used to, on my LEFT ear

022. Tattoo - No

024. Surgery - Yes, when i was a kid

025. First piercing - 18 yrs old

026. First best friend - Jeremiah Charles Chen, 1998

027. First Award - Some bursary award in sec sch.

028. First Sport You Joined - Swimming

029. First pet - Hamsters

030. First vacation - Bali maybe?

031. First Concert - In kindergarten

032. First Love - Rozanne

*Favorites
033. Favorite movie - 300!

034. Favorite tv show - BBC Top Gear

035. Colors - Black, Red, Purple, Brown

036. Music - Alternative Rock

039. Drink - Nothing in particular

040. Body part not on the face - "bob"

041. Cartoon - Southpark!

042. Favorite piece of clothing - Jeans

043. Brand Of Clothing - CK

044. What do you sleep with - A pillow?

045. Favorite School - Anglo Chinese School (Barker Road) (:

046. Favorite Animal(s) - Dogs & Cats

047. Favorite Book - Tom Clancy

048. Favorite Magazine(s) - BBC Top Gear, CAR, anything about cars!

049. Food - Hokkien Mee

050. I'm drinking - On my saliva

052. I'm about to - Go home in 2 and a half more hours!

053. Listening to - Nothing

055. Waiting For - No one

056. Watching - The world go by.

057. Wearing - Not proud to say..my uniform. -_-

*Your Future
058. Want Kids - Yes

059. Want to Get Married - Definitely

060. Career in Mind - Fighter Pilot, Hotelier or Businessman

068. Lips or Eyes - Eyes

069. Hugs or Kisses - Kisses

070. Shorter or Taller - Shorter

072. Romantic or Spontaneous - Romantic

073. Nice stomach or nice arms - Both of course

074. Sensitive or Loud - Er, both?

075. Hook-up or Relationship - Relationship

076. Sweet or Caring - Both again.

077. Trouble Maker or Hesitant - Definitely NOT a trouble maker

*Have you ever
078. Kissed a Stranger - No

079. Drank bubbles - No

080. Lost glasses/contacts - Sunglasses? Then its a yes.

081. Ran Away From Home - No

082. Broken a bone - No

083. Got an X-ray - Yes

084. Broken a heart - Unfortunately yes

085. Someone Broke Yours - Fuck yes

086. Turned Someone Down - Yes

087. Cried When Someone Died - No

088. Cried at school - Yes

*Do You Believe In
089. Jesus - With all my heart

090. Miracles - Yes

091. Love at first sight - Not really

093. Aliens - Yes, i see them on the streets everyday.

094. Magic - No

095. Heaven - Yes

096. Santa Claus - NO! He still owes me lots of presents since i was a kid. Wait..there are so many of them.

097. Sex on the first date - No

098. Kissing on the First Date - Nope

099. Angels - Yes, i would like to meet you if you consider yourself one. (:

100. Is there someone you want to be with right now? - yes..in fact 2..my mum and dad. i miss my mummy and daddy. =((

Its time to be the better man

after having a good talk and bonding session with ariel over teh peng (iced tea) talking about my complicated life and cars, i've more or less am able to see things in a different spectrum. I guess i am wrong, but not entirely, for being spiteful and inflicting hurt with the words i say towards a certain someone. No doubt i did feel good at the spur of the moment after pouring out my thoughts and feelings. However, after given unforeseen consequences and outcomes by ariel based on his past experiences, i realise that it isnt really worth it at all in the long run. i mean, why bother trying to force someone who doesnt want to be with you especially when you're already at a losing end because she has already decided to be with someone else? Like the saying goes, it takes two hands to clap. If the other party doesnt want to make it work out between the two of you, there's only so much you can do. I guess there's really nothing in it for me to be spiteful and hurtful as i still wont get her to see the light and the desired outcome i want. No point counting the pennies in pointing out wrong doings. Even IF she wants to work things out, i dont think i would wanna get back together at this point of time because that level of trust is just no longer there. I'll tell myself whats done is done and just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself even if it hurts like fuck. I dont wanna regret saying the things i've said. Therefore i would like to apologise for all the spiteful things i've said. I'm sorry. However, there are reasons behind for being spiteful which i will not mention.


I guess its almost the same feeling as having to sell away a car which brings lots of sentimental values to you, like my dad's old Volvo 850R. My dream car. Damn...that car rides fine, its swift, handles corners pretty well, except that its a bit twitchy and over all a very nice car to be in. (no offence to you women out there! its just an analogy that some of us guys use to see different perspectives.) yes...so as i was saying, women are almost like cars. Ranging from the Horse Carriages to the Red Hot Ferrari. Well lets say my so called "flings" in the past are the horse carriages. Later on in life, i had my first serious relationship, which is PROBABLY like the example of my dad's old Volvo 850R that has many sentimental values? Rides fine and well for the first few years and of course there were minor problems here and there which could be fixed...and slowly as it aged bigger problems came in and it could still be fixed, but the same problems kept cropping up and it led to bigger issues because there probably wasnt enough given time to assess the crucial problem because we were busy trying to solve the smaller ones. SO i guess my dad couldnt really continue footing the expensive maintenance as much as he would love to keep the car and hand it over to me to use, therefore he decided to just sell it away. It was a very emotional moment for me to see my dad handover the keys to someone else...because i just love that car so fucking much. However, i'm really determined to get that car, its just a matter of time.

Ok what i'm TRYING to say is that there are lots of nice cars, or in this context, women out there. Although they are nice and exotic like the Ferraris or Lamboghinis, sometimes they are just cars which are nice to rent for a day and thats about it. OK FUCK i seem like a player here, but i'm NOT! If you can afford it the by all means. just an example to show that these cars may not fit your personality or practicality besides the mere reason of showing off your wealth. Nothing wrong with that though. So maybe thats not the kind of car for you. So how about the VW Golf GTI? which is small and nimble with lots of gusto under the hood. A very practical car which is good for taking it to shopping with a fair amount of space to put your shopping bags and a swift car which can take you to places fast, depending on the way you handle it of course or you might just end up dead. Plus maintenance expenses arent that high. Good deal eh?

I guess its good to see which one fits you the best. Of course you wont find one which can completely describe yourself and meet all your requirements, most of it will do, with a lil bit of compromise with the flaws. I'm not saying that the 850R, or she, doesnt meet most of my requirements. I love her to bits, the looks, how those eyes look at me in the eye and i feel a strong connection with her, how the curves catches my attention when it swifts past me, the engine (personality), the comfort, the handling characteristics, though sometimes when being pushed above its limit, it doesnt really stick to wear the wheel turns as it gets a lil out of hand, but swerves back almost immediately when there's ample grip from the good pair of tyres and nice rims. oh and not forgetting the lovely exhaust, especially the orchestra it creates. *ahem*

After pulling up a pretty long and boring analogy, as much as i would like things to go my way, i guess i'll take the step of being the better man and take the greatest and hardest step ever to let go of the one i love the most although there will be times i'll feel a lil emo or damn fucking emo, because love hurts.


If i knew you were an organ grinder, i wouldnt have given you my heart.

. . .

When we met, light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you

A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you

These secret garden beams
Changed my life, so it seems
A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride, my thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
Oh yeah

And I never felt alone, alright
Oh oh, till I met you

Friends say I've changed
I don't listen 'cuz I live to be
Deep inside of you

Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness, I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you

You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still

I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do
If I just knew what's coming

I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you

And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
'Cuz I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

But we were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know

Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you

I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you

And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you


Third Eye Blind - Deep Inside of You

Blessed Birthday Daddy!

its my dad's birthday and i'm left at home with my 2 younger siblings. my mum has flew over to surabaya over the weekend to spend time and attend a wedding dinner with my dad and i guess they are heading over to bali later today or maybe tomorrow because my dad's on a business trip. its quite sad that my dad has to be away on HIS BIRTHDAY. Oh wells..might as well let my parents have their "sexy time" together without having to worry about their kids knowing whats going on in THE room. LOL!

Oh oh! I feel quite fustrated because the car's at home BUT I CANT SEEM TO FIND THE FREAKING KEY TO IT!! knnccb.. I spent one whole freaking hour looking for the key and i cant believe that my mum actually brought along BOTH the spare and master key with her. Hmmm...i cant imagine if she loses it there. lol. ok i know its pretty mean of me..but my mum tends to misplace her things here and there. anyway...ARGGHHH... i really miss driving! i really wish i could just drive to work and meet friends..and listen to rock and rnb on my ipod via the car's sound system while cruising. I think its a much more convenient and cheaper alternative than taking the public transport...especially when it comes to taking taxis. taking taxis can really create a freaking hole in my pocket. However, its the road tax and COE which gives me sceond thoughts about owning a car, unless i earn a 5 figure sum every month. I know its damn dangerous despite the fact that i know how to drive, but i havent come across single sight of any white stallions or carriages on the road the past few days.

Fuck, come to think of it..i would have gotten my license by NOW if not for...ahhh fuck i have to stop or i'll drift into feeling really fucked up. I guess i only have myself to blame, but frankly I have no regrets at all. Its just that thinking about it just makes me feel fucked because of the lies, contradictions and position i'm in right now. *takes a deep breath*

Sigh...its gonna be a long afternoon at work tmr and the day after. wed and thurs will be my night shift, which isnt too bad because i have the afternoon free till 930pm before i have to start making my way to work. Friday will be my off day and a night at HAPPY DAZE. saturday will be 11am-7pm and sunday 730 to 330. FINALLY i have the time to attend church! Gosh...i've missed 2 sundays of great services and 2 weekends. Saturdays and Sundays are no longer considered weekends to me because i've to work..esp when i work in the afternoon shift. -_-

HOKAY! Enough about my rants, this post WAS supposed to be only dedicated to my daddy, but look what happened, most of the entry is about me. Hmmm..thank god for the brotherhood and friends to hang out with till late. (: Aiiights...i'm gonna Zzzzzzzz....gd night and....

BLESSED BIRTHDAY DADDY!!
may you live to 120
to watch over and guide me like how you always have
and allowing me to return that gesture by taking care of you
and to see your great grandchildren.
have a great time bonding with mummy
God bless.

yay. mine is next in exactly 1 month and 1 day!
food,BOOZE,fun and drinking games with great company.
i cant wait.
but damn..i'm gonna hit the BIG 2! :(

I think I'm drowning
asphyxiating
I wanna break the spell
that you've created
you're something beautiful
a contradiction

you will be
the death of me
yeah, you will be
the death of me

I wanted freedom
but I'm restricted
I tried to give you up
but I'm addicted

now that you know I'm trapped
sense of elation
you'll never dream of breaking this fixation
you will squeeze the life out of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

how did it become like this? =/

one of those moments

Keith: eh here got wanton mee anot? (at jalan kayu)
Me, Leon & Ren: Why didnt you get it when you were at geylang just now? Yeah there is.
Keith: Errr...how i know there have. Then you all go there for what besides to eat?
Ren: To look for your mum.

ROFLOLZXZXXZXZXZX

check out this website. ITS THE IDIOT TEST

i failed twice because...
1. i missed out on something SMALL.
2. i was quite slow. =(

but that doesnt make me an idiot! and no i am not very slow..just RATHER. =)