Christ in Me the Hope of Glory

when darkness turns to light, it ends tonight

2007-06-16T02:44:00.000+08:00

Today, I've decided that its time to end this chapter of my life and start a new one. Well, one of the ways i'm going about in moving on is to shift to another blog. some of you may think its an unnecessary move, but i feel it has to be done because there are just some memories (which no longer hold any meaning to me) that will hinder me from letting go and moving on. No i'm not saying i havent, i already have. I just wanna fresh beginning.

The new blog site is not really up yet because i'm still figuring out how to edit my page. Nope i'm not going back to blogspot, am thinking of trying something new. Rest assured i'll update all you fellow readers of SUAVEBRENDAN on the URL once its done. =)) just pm me on msn messenger or i'll pm you to inform you about the new blog.

Just wanna thank all you readers out there, be it brothers, sisters or friends...for bothering to care for me all this while when i needed it, by checking the updates of my life in this blog. I wouldnt be where i am right now if not for the advices and time sacrificed to be there for me when i really needed. THANK YOU.

Till then, good night and i'll be back! CIAO!

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can't explain what you can't explain.
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

Not Quite My Juliet

2007-06-15T14:26:00.000+08:00

If you just walked away
what could i really say?
It wouldn't matter anyway.
It wouldn't change how you feel.
I've fought so hard for you
but you still walked away.

Yet you claim I'm being missed
and I'm your future
while you're at it with someone else"super".
He is "Mr Brightside" you say
then what am i today?
Tell me what should i believe?
When all I see are contradictions.

There's only so much i can say
the rest i leave it to God's way
For now
I've packed a change of clothes
and i guess
its time to move on.

Ok, i believe you but my tommy gun dont

2007-06-15T05:55:00.000+08:00

I am heaven sent.
Don't you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted.
What all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told.
I just needed you to know.
I think in decimals and dollars.
I am the cause to all your problems.
Shelter from cold.
We're never alone.
Coordinate brain and mouth.
Then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out.
I wish I knew.
I hope this song starts a craze.
The kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
The kind of song that makes people glad to be where they are with who ever they're there with.
This is ~~war.~~
Every line is about who I don't wanna write about anymore.
I hope you come down with something they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for.
Holding on to your grudge.
It's so hard to have someone to love.
Keeping quiet is hard.
Cause you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start.
At least pretend you didn't want to get caught.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe... in us.
We're so controversial.
We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth.
We are the best at what we do.
These are the words you wish you wrote down.
This is the way you wish your voice sounds.
Handsome and smart.
My tongue's the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart.
And it's all from watching TV and from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn't stop if I could.
It hurts to be this good.
You're holding on to your grudge.
It hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love.
So let it go.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe...
We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe... in us.

This is the craze only we can bestow.
This is the price you pay for loss of control.
This is the break in the battle.
This is the closest of calls.
This is the reason you're ~~alone.~~
This is the reason you fall.

We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe...
We're concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, now throwing the fight.
I just wanna believe... in us.

reminisces

2007-06-14T03:30:00.000+08:00

blasting: 3 doors down - here without you

arrggghh....i'm just too tired to blog now.

gd night.

Try this On, Straightjacket Feeling

2007-06-10T21:24:00.000+08:00

I'm AMUSED that you're so good at pretending everything is alright.

Excuse me,
while i ~~fall apart~~, dont flatter yourself ~~sweetheart~~

.

Back me down from backing up
Hold your breath now it's stacking up
Etched with marks, but I can deal
And you're the problem and you can't feel
Try this on, straightjacket feeling
so maybe I won't be alone
Take back now, my life you're stealing

Yesterday was over
Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That face is tearing holes in me again

Trust you is just one defense
off a list of others, you don't make sense
Beg me time and time again
to take you back now, but you can't win
Take back now, my life you're stealing

Yesterday was over
Today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all I ever thought you'd be
That FACE is tearing holes in me again,
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you

And when the memory slips away
There will be a better view from here
And only lonesome you remains
and just the thought of you I fear
it falls away

Yesterday was over,
but today I'm fine without you
Runaway this time without you
And all the things you put me through
I'm holding on by letting go of you

As i was deleting the old smses in my inbox, I came across a msg saying that "by getting into a relationship now, it will jeopardize our chances of having a relationship at the end of the yr. i just want us to be bestfriends for now." Well, looks like it has already been jeopardized..even if its being best friends.

I guess..i'll be better off without people like her.

Tears In Heaven

2007-06-08T03:20:00.000+08:00

Before i try to get some sleep, i just remembered that i had a...well...emotional dream a couple of nights back. I dream i was in heaven (i think), and i met someone, all i did was just look at her and tear without saying a word. It was a scene of her enjoying herself, probably having the time of her life on pastures green. However, not realising that i was existent, even when i was standing right beside her looking in awe of her beauty and grace, the apple of my eye. i guess that was why i tear. Gd night.

Would you know my name? If i saw you in heaven.

I guess not.

TGIFF

2007-06-08T03:23:00.000+08:00

THANK GOD ITS FUCKING FRIDAY!

Wooohooo! thank god again i'm working from 11am-7pm today and that tomorrow's my off day! like FINALLY. so that means i can be merry and drink with the brothers till late at happy daze without having to worry about waking up early for work. Sleep till lunch time and wake up in time for youth service. Yeah yeah...go ahead and think that its blasphemy to get high the night before going to church, i dont give a fuck. Anyway...even though the band is gonna do without the bassist (Darren's going for church camp) and the drummer (in camp i think?), i'm sure its gonna be a fucking great night. Its unfortunate that leon wouldnt be able to join us because he's in bali with his folks. I'm very sure he misses the brotherhood..lol. of course we miss him too. =)

Its now 330am and i'm supposed to be sleeping by now. My eyes look like slits and my body needs rest, but i'm so afraid to sleep because my head feels heavy from all the thoughts, images and shit flashing in my head. what a fucking heavy burden and pain i have to live with everyday, putting on a fake smile when i work and sometimes in the past, try to be happy when i'm with my friends. dont get me wrong, i really thank god i have friends who can be there for me when i really needed, but sometimes i just feel FAKE like porcelain. =/

Love and Hate - caught in between

2007-06-07T12:35:00.000+08:00

Now i know how it feels like to hate someone so much because you love her so fucking much more. I hate this feeling, of getting caught in the middle of love and hate. Well, i cant say which side weighs more because it swings like a pendulum..and that affects my mood as well.

Someone posted me a pretty simple question, but yet it required me to go through the process of killing some brain cells when trying to give an answer, "What do you want out of this?".

Frankly, i really cant decide when my feelings and emotions are mixed.

sometimes, JUST SOMETIMES, i just wish i have a heart like stone so that i can be immune to these kind of feelings. Oh and a brain which has a "delete" button to delete the memories which seems to no longer hold any meaning now.

Fuck i hate this feeling. -.-

I feel you from a distance

2007-06-07T13:12:00.000+08:00

I feel you crawling underneath my skin,
starting from the nerves sending blood
rushing up my head
like a volcano about to erupt.
I feel flushed
and it feels like i have a fever.
I feel you through my bones,
sending tingles and shivers
throughout my body.
When i feel these,
thoughts just keep rushing in.

Everyday i fight these feelings,
but it just keeps bringing me down.
For your sake i will try to hide these feelings
you can run all your life, all mine i will chase

There's a saying
you should never fight your feelings
when your very bones believe them.

But sometimes i wonder
Is this a spell which i am under?

A hundred things to see

2007-06-05T19:48:00.000+08:00

When you're finding ways to kill time when there's nothing to do at work.

001. Real Name - Brendan

002. Nickname - Blim & Suave

003. Single or taken - Single

004. Astrological Sign - Cancer

005. Male or Female - Male

006. Elementary School - Anglo-Chinese School (Junior)

007. Ipod - Photo (White)

008. How many buddies on your Friendster list - 639

009. Friendster name - Brendan

010. Hair Color - Natural light brown

012. Hair Long or Short - Short

014. Eye Color - Brown

015. Are you health freak - Not really

016. Height - 173cm

017. Do you have a crush on someone - Nope

018. Do you like yourself - Yeah i guess

020. Think you're awesome? - I'm fucking awesome

021. Piercings - Used to, on my LEFT ear

022. Tattoo - No

024. Surgery - Yes, when i was a kid

025. First piercing - 18 yrs old

026. First best friend - Jeremiah Charles Chen, 1998

027. First Award - Some bursary award in sec sch.

028. First Sport You Joined - Swimming

029. First pet - Hamsters

030. First vacation - Bali maybe?

031. First Concert - In kindergarten

032. First Love - Rozanne

*Favorites
033. Favorite movie - 300!

034. Favorite tv show - BBC Top Gear

035. Colors - Black, Red, Purple, Brown

036. Music - Alternative Rock

039. Drink - Nothing in particular

040. Body part not on the face - "bob"

041. Cartoon - Southpark!

042. Favorite piece of clothing - Jeans

043. Brand Of Clothing - CK

044. What do you sleep with - A pillow?

045. Favorite School - Anglo Chinese School (Barker Road) (:

046. Favorite Animal(s) - Dogs & Cats

047. Favorite Book - Tom Clancy

048. Favorite Magazine(s) - BBC Top Gear, CAR, anything about cars!

049. Food - Hokkien Mee

050. I'm drinking - On my saliva

052. I'm about to - Go home in 2 and a half more hours!

053. Listening to - Nothing

055. Waiting For - No one

056. Watching - The world go by.

057. Wearing - Not proud to say..my uniform. -_-

*Your Future
058. Want Kids - Yes

059. Want to Get Married - Definitely

060. Career in Mind - Fighter Pilot, Hotelier or Businessman

068. Lips or Eyes - Eyes

069. Hugs or Kisses - Kisses

070. Shorter or Taller - Shorter

072. Romantic or Spontaneous - Romantic

073. Nice stomach or nice arms - Both of course

074. Sensitive or Loud - Er, both?

075. Hook-up or Relationship - Relationship

076. Sweet or Caring - Both again.

077. Trouble Maker or Hesitant - Definitely NOT a trouble maker

*Have you ever
078. Kissed a Stranger - No

079. Drank bubbles - No

080. Lost glasses/contacts - Sunglasses? Then its a yes.

081. Ran Away From Home - No

082. Broken a bone - No

083. Got an X-ray - Yes

084. Broken a heart - Unfortunately yes

085. Someone Broke Yours - Fuck yes

086. Turned Someone Down - Yes

087. Cried When Someone Died - No

088. Cried at school - Yes

*Do You Believe In
089. Jesus - With all my heart

090. Miracles - Yes

091. Love at first sight - Not really

093. Aliens - Yes, i see them on the streets everyday.

094. Magic - No

095. Heaven - Yes

096. Santa Claus - NO! He still owes me lots of presents since i was a kid. Wait..there are so many of them.

097. Sex on the first date - No

098. Kissing on the First Date - Nope

099. Angels - Yes, i would like to meet you if you consider yourself one. (:

100. Is there someone you want to be with right now? - yes..in fact 2..my mum and dad. i miss my mummy and daddy. =((

Its time to be the better man

2007-06-04T23:41:00.000+08:00

after having a good talk and bonding session with ariel over teh peng (iced tea) talking about my complicated life and cars, i've more or less am able to see things in a different spectrum. I guess i am wrong, but not entirely, for being spiteful and inflicting hurt with the words i say towards a certain someone. No doubt i did feel good at the spur of the moment after pouring out my thoughts and feelings. However, after given unforeseen consequences and outcomes by ariel based on his past experiences, i realise that it isnt really worth it at all in the long run. i mean, why bother trying to force someone who doesnt want to be with you especially when you're already at a losing end because she has already decided to be with someone else? Like the saying goes, it takes two hands to clap. If the other party doesnt want to make it work out between the two of you, there's only so much you can do. I guess there's really nothing in it for me to be spiteful and hurtful as i still wont get her to see the light and the desired outcome i want. No point counting the pennies in pointing out wrong doings. Even IF she wants to work things out, i dont think i would wanna get back together at this point of time because that level of trust is just no longer there. I'll tell myself whats done is done and just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself even if it hurts like fuck. I dont wanna regret saying the things i've said. Therefore i would like to apologise for all the spiteful things i've said. I'm sorry. However, there are reasons behind for being spiteful which i will not mention.

I guess its almost the same feeling as having to sell away a car which brings lots of sentimental values to you, like my dad's old Volvo 850R. My dream car. Damn...that car rides fine, its swift, handles corners pretty well, except that its a bit twitchy and over all a very nice car to be in. (no offence to you women out there! its just an analogy that some of us guys use to see different perspectives.) yes...so as i was saying, women are almost like cars. Ranging from the Horse Carriages to the Red Hot Ferrari. Well lets say my so called "flings" in the past are the horse carriages. Later on in life, i had my first serious relationship, which is PROBABLY like the example of my dad's old Volvo 850R that has many sentimental values? Rides fine and well for the first few years and of course there were minor problems here and there which could be fixed...and slowly as it aged bigger problems came in and it could still be fixed, but the same problems kept cropping up and it led to bigger issues because there probably wasnt enough given time to assess the crucial problem because we were busy trying to solve the smaller ones. SO i guess my dad couldnt really continue footing the expensive maintenance as much as he would love to keep the car and hand it over to me to use, therefore he decided to just sell it away. It was a very emotional moment for me to see my dad handover the keys to someone else...because i just love that car so fucking much. However, i'm really determined to get that car, its just a matter of time.

Ok what i'm TRYING to say is that there are lots of nice cars, or in this context, women out there. Although they are nice and exotic like the Ferraris or Lamboghinis, sometimes they are just cars which are nice to rent for a day and thats about it. OK FUCK i seem like a player here, but i'm NOT! If you can afford it the by all means. just an example to show that these cars may not fit your personality or practicality besides the mere reason of showing off your wealth. Nothing wrong with that though. So maybe thats not the kind of car for you. So how about the VW Golf GTI? which is small and nimble with lots of gusto under the hood. A very practical car which is good for taking it to shopping with a fair amount of space to put your shopping bags and a swift car which can take you to places fast, depending on the way you handle it of course or you might just end up dead. Plus maintenance expenses arent that high. Good deal eh?

I guess its good to see which one fits you the best. Of course you wont find one which can completely describe yourself and meet all your requirements, most of it will do, with a lil bit of compromise with the flaws. I'm not saying that the 850R, or she, doesnt meet most of my requirements. I love her to bits, the looks, how those eyes look at me in the eye and i feel a strong connection with her, how the curves catches my attention when it swifts past me, the engine (personality), the comfort, the handling characteristics, though sometimes when being pushed above its limit, it doesnt really stick to wear the wheel turns as it gets a lil out of hand, but swerves back almost immediately when there's ample grip from the good pair of tyres and nice rims. oh and not forgetting the lovely exhaust, especially the orchestra it creates. *ahem*

After pulling up a pretty long and boring analogy, as much as i would like things to go my way, i guess i'll take the step of being the better man and take the greatest and hardest step ever to let go of the one i love the most although there will be times i'll feel a lil emo or damn fucking emo, because love hurts.

If i knew you were an organ grinder, i wouldnt have given you my heart.

. . .

2007-06-04T05:16:00.000+08:00

When we met, light was shed
Thoughts free flow
You said you've got something
Deep inside of you

A wind chime voice sound
Sway of your hips round rings true
It goes deep inside of you

These secret garden beams
Changed my life, so it seems
A fall breeze blows outside
I don't break stride, my thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you
Oh yeah

And I never felt alone, alright
Oh oh, till I met you

Friends say I've changed
I don't listen 'cuz I live to be
Deep inside of you

Slide of her dress
Shouts in darkness, I'm so alive
I'm deep inside of you

You said, "boy make girl feel good"
But still, deep inside
Still

I've never felt alone
Till I met you
I'm alright on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do
If I just knew what's coming

I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them
And I'd say that I'm sorry to you
I'm sorry to you

And I don't want to call you
But then I want to call you
'Cuz I don't want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you, and it's true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

But we were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know
We were broke and didn't know

Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you

I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you

And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you
Deep inside of you

Third Eye Blind - Deep Inside of You

Blessed Birthday Daddy!

2007-06-04T02:48:00.000+08:00

its my dad's birthday and i'm left at home with my 2 younger siblings. my mum has flew over to surabaya over the weekend to spend time and attend a wedding dinner with my dad and i guess they are heading over to bali later today or maybe tomorrow because my dad's on a business trip. its quite sad that my dad has to be away on HIS BIRTHDAY. Oh wells..might as well let my parents have their "sexy time" together without having to worry about their kids knowing whats going on in THE room. LOL!

Oh oh! I feel quite fustrated because the car's at home BUT I CANT SEEM TO FIND THE FREAKING KEY TO IT!! knnccb.. I spent one whole freaking hour looking for the key and i cant believe that my mum actually brought along BOTH the spare and master key with her. Hmmm...i cant imagine if she loses it there. lol. ok i know its pretty mean of me..but my mum tends to misplace her things here and there. anyway...ARGGHHH... i really miss driving! i really wish i could just drive to work and meet friends..and listen to rock and rnb on my ipod via the car's sound system while cruising. I think its a much more convenient and cheaper alternative than taking the public transport...especially when it comes to taking taxis. taking taxis can really create a freaking hole in my pocket. However, its the road tax and COE which gives me sceond thoughts about owning a car, unless i earn a 5 figure sum every month. I know its damn dangerous despite the fact that i know how to drive, but i havent come across single sight of any white stallions or carriages on the road the past few days.

Fuck, come to think of it..i would have gotten my license by NOW if not for...ahhh fuck i have to stop or i'll drift into feeling really fucked up. I guess i only have myself to blame, but frankly I have no regrets at all. Its just that thinking about it just makes me feel fucked because of the lies, contradictions and position i'm in right now. *takes a deep breath*

Sigh...its gonna be a long afternoon at work tmr and the day after. wed and thurs will be my night shift, which isnt too bad because i have the afternoon free till 930pm before i have to start making my way to work. Friday will be my off day and a night at HAPPY DAZE. saturday will be 11am-7pm and sunday 730 to 330. FINALLY i have the time to attend church! Gosh...i've missed 2 sundays of great services and 2 weekends. Saturdays and Sundays are no longer considered weekends to me because i've to work..esp when i work in the afternoon shift. -_-

HOKAY! Enough about my rants, this post WAS supposed to be only dedicated to my daddy, but look what happened, most of the entry is about me. Hmmm..thank god for the brotherhood and friends to hang out with till late. (: Aiiights...i'm gonna Zzzzzzzz....gd night and....

BLESSED BIRTHDAY DADDY!!
may you live to 120
to watch over and guide me like how you always have
and allowing me to return that gesture by taking care of you
and to see your great grandchildren.
have a great time bonding with mummy
God bless.

yay. mine is next in exactly 1 month and 1 day!
food,BOOZE,fun and drinking games with great company.
i cant wait.
but damn..i'm gonna hit the BIG 2! :(

2007-06-01T21:05:00.000+08:00

I think I'm drowning
asphyxiating
I wanna break the spell
that you've created
you're something beautiful
a contradiction

you will be
the death of me
yeah, you will be
the death of me

I wanted freedom
but I'm restricted
I tried to give you up
but I'm addicted

now that you know I'm trapped
sense of elation
you'll never dream of breaking this fixation
you will squeeze the life out of me

bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

how did it become like this? =/

one of those moments

2007-06-01T02:35:00.000+08:00

Keith: eh here got wanton mee anot? (at jalan kayu)
Me, Leon & Ren: Why didnt you get it when you were at geylang just now? Yeah there is.
Keith: Errr...how i know there have. Then you all go there for what besides to eat?
Ren: To look for your mum.

ROFLOLZXZXXZXZXZX

check out this website. ITS THE IDIOT TEST

i failed twice because...
1. i missed out on something SMALL.
2. i was quite slow. =(

but that doesnt make me an idiot! and no i am not very slow..just RATHER. =)

Tentative Birthday Party

2007-05-31T06:28:00.000+08:00

Brothers and friends, i MIGHT hold a bday party over at my crib for the LAST TIME this coming july. Probably a combined one with a dear brother of mine, Iylia Khan S/O Jeffrey Khan, whose birthday is on the 22nd of July. Yes, the last time because my family and i are gonna shift out in november. =(( The thought of shifting out really sucks, i've been living under the same room for 15 years. Ahh...i'll leave that for another day. Sigh.

Anyway, i think it would be a great idea to celebrate my 20th bday..which is on the 5th of July =) , at my place for the last time with the brotherhood and close friends....along with BOOZE, food, great music and definitely great company! Its a proposal which i have yet to discuss with my dad, but i guess it shouldnt be a problem. After all, its the last time i will ever celebrate my birthday in that house. Rest assured i will keep you all updated! Just try to make yourselves free during the weekends on the 1st or 2nd week of july.

For the time being, it would be greatly appreciated if you all could start saving up to get me and iylia nice presents! lol. JUST KIDDING. But if you insist on getting me something, by all means pls do. hahaha. But most important of all, your attendance would definitely be much more appreciated. =)

Yawwwwwwwnnsss!

2007-05-31T05:02:00.000+08:00

This is my 3rd time doing night shift and it seems so looong and i'm feeling really sleepy. My first time doing night shift wasnt really bad...time seemed to pass really quickly. However last night was pretty slow and i began to feel sleepy at about 4-5 am?

yeah...anyway..all i can think of is my bed right now, i just wanna dive into it and sleeep till its time for dinner. ok maybe not so long because its my off day today and i think i'm going for a run with iylia and leon. lol..yes a run after so long. i'm too tired and sleepy to think of breakfast at this moment.. gosh i cant stop yawning and tears jus keep forming everytime i yawn. goshh....working during the night shift is NO FUN AT ALL. yes i do get to go online, take breaks and shit as and when i want to...and i really mean SHIT, thats about the only thing i can do! wait...this is already like a 9 hr break for me..the only set back is that i cant sleep! ok ok..i do sneak to the baggage room once in awhile to take 1/2 hr naps. LOL. Ssshhhhhhhh.....of course without my duty manager knowing...though i think she has an idea that i'll be at the back taking a "break" when i'm not behind the desk. hurrr. ok i know this entry is boring but i'm just typing this for the sake of doing something to keep myself awake besides playing online games on addictinggames.com, mousebreaker.com and spider solitaire. i get sick and tired playing games after sometime.

Oh oh! Last night as i was delivering newspapers to the rooms at about 5am..i heard a couple banging in their room. WHO THE HELL DOES IT AT 5AM?!?!?! oh my...they must have been doing it alllll night looong. hmmm...lol.

ok my manager and colleague are back from their break and its now MY TURN to take a "break"....go figure.

Love Seems Like a Playground

2007-05-30T01:02:00.000+08:00

many of you may think that i'm out of my mind to blog on a something which is quite sensitive. yeah maybe i am, but there are thoughts running in my head and i just wanna let it off and maybe you'll understand how i feel and the pain i'm going through. again, i'm not seeking sympathy from anyone, just thought of sharing my point of view.

well i'm sure many of us have heard from your parents or even religious leaders that sex is very sacred and is therefore meant for married couples. Well, apparently this morale is hardly practiced today and i'm not really proud to say that i didnt. However, i think or USED to think that it is a stage in a relationship where the couple feels and think they are meant for each other because of many factors, just to list a few, the strong affection and love towards each other, good times and bad spent together which bonds the 2 and makes them stronger as 1 and many others. As cliche as it may seem, it is happening in this world and society that we are living in right now. Yes i am also aware of so called "predators" out there who prey on others for the sheer fun of it, those who appear to be sweetie pies and a gentleman with ulterior motives behind it, especially when they've only gotten to know each other for such a short period of time (am not refering to anyone in particular, just generalising), but i guess who am i to judge? And also those who have this mindset that it is perfectly normal to have sex in any relationship regardless of whether its at an early stage or it has been going on for quite sometime and when it doesnt work out, theres no hard feelings involved and they just move on. Ok maybe i have no right to say that no hard feelings are involved, there definitely is, but its just not as hard as compared to those who feel that person is the one, to move on.

Having said all of the above mention, I just wanna share with you all, from a guy who takes relationships very seriously, (albeit the fact that i was a bastard once, but that doesnt define what i am now, unless i'm some recalcitrant) that being so physically close with someone whom you thought is "the one" will leave with you and in you a very strong emotional attachment. Trust me, this feeling kills you from the inside and it can either break you or make you. Here is just an example from a recent post by iylia which kinda expresses how i roughly feel. (i hope you wont mind bro!)

IF i do ever get into another relationship in the future, i wouldnt wanna come to a point where i would be immuned to all these feelings that i'm feeling right now even when i get married because i have a heart, a pretty compassionate one.

Oh Playground Love

this so called "manipulation"

2007-05-24T05:30:00.000+08:00

well it seems that someone or some people have misunderstood me for "manipulating" the minds of my ex's friends, which was NEVER my intention. I am shocked how it got to that level of "mind games" which could be because i mentioned that i was thankful for them in the previous post. Therefore, i thought i should make things clear especially when i feel someone maybe trying to "manipulate" her mind into thinking that i am the villain.

As much as i hate what has been done towards me, i'm not childish to reciprocate in hurting back by taking away her friends though i was pretty spiteful by the words i said. But hey, I'm Human, i have a Heart and i have Feelings. So dont judge or blame me for voicing out my thoughts and feelings about this because you are not in my position. Anyone..especially someone in particular, might have said that i've told them my "presumed" version of the story, but am i not wrong to presume it that way? if i am wrong, pls by all means enlighten me. Besides, we did try to see your point of view, based from the email which i was told everything that had to be said was stated in there, didnt make much sense at all. Let me repeat, for the last time i hope, you didnt say that you choose to be with him even when i asked you to choose over the phone, i was left dangling in midair. So dont accuse my or my friends' "presumed" conclusion was wrong because, lets just say it was pretty damn obvious that what was stated in the email prior to the so called relationship you're in formed no link and made no sense at all. Unless there were things which were missed out in the email. Oh yes, it just happened anyway. -_- Anyway..I dont think anyone who may not know me well will disagree with what i've said based on what was stated in the email. Dont worry...i cant be fucked anymore because i'm not reaping what i've been sowing. i just wanna clear things..since you see me as just a friend.

I've learnt from THE BROTHERHOOD that friends may disagree or show unhappiness about the things we do. But the difference between "true" friends and friends is that they express their opinions and thoughts whether they like the way things are or not upfront. But no matter what, they will always be your friends. So dont worry, your friends will always be here for you and they have always been though i may have spent time with some of them. Besides, everyone has their opinions and thoughts, you dont have to listen to them if they dont make sense to you.

Once again, I did no part in "manipulating" their minds, but if you still think so...by all means believe whatever you still believe.

Knee Injuries

2007-05-24T23:49:00.000+08:00

DARN IT! I just found out that its gonna take me 6 MONTHS of gym work out and exercising to fully recover from my knee injury. THATS DAMN FRICKING LONG...and my knees are hurting. =((((( prob because i strained it by running for 2 consecutive days. i'm really gonna take it slow from now on.

here's the link of the website on how to recover from a knee injury:

CLICK HERE

Anyway...i've got so much to blog about but i'm just gonna leave that for another day because i'm really sleepy.

yes...TGIF!!!! Chill out session with the brotherhood ahh hoood after work at night! Its been ages since i last met them. i'm definitely looking forward to that. As for now...

NITE!

BrotherHOOD for LIFE

2007-05-23T01:12:00.000+08:00

in the midst of this storm/crisis/tribulation/ whatever you wanna call it that i'm going through, i'm really thankful that i have the brotherhood..no wait, its THE BROTHERHOOD, thats right! and also friends like, just to name a few, cuishan, casey and parv, who have just been there for me when i really needed it. Thank you guys so much.

Anyway, the main highlight of my off day was that i finally gotta meet leon and zhen after soooo looong..not forgetting iylia too, whom i met 2 days ago. =) I'm really glad that misunderstandings have been cleared and that we've thrashed things out among ourselves. I also found out some stuffs from leon about someone. I was shocked just like how they were when they found out whats going on. Ahh...i cant be fucked to mention it. Just gd luck to her. Anyway..although we have not met for the past few months, we still felt tight. No no you twisted minds, tight as in close as bros, like we've been meeting up almost every week...though there might be a possibility that either one of them is gay...but DEFINITELY NOT me. lol. Oh wells, yay! i'm just glad that we are still close and i cant wait to chill out on fri with them and the rest of the brotherhood over drinks. Brotherhood ahh hoood!

I went for my FIRST RUN in months this afternoon...and i seriously felt like fainting under the scorching heat. Well, i ATTEMPTED to run my usual 5km ( i know you guys think i'm insane) which of course, i did not manage to manage to complete it. However! i'm very satisfied with my performance because i ran about 3 to 4 km despite the fact that i've not been exercising for months and....yar..thats all abt it. Yup somewhere between 3 to 4 km...but it felt like i ran 10 km! Surprisingly, my legs arent aching and my knee feels fine during and after the run! woohoo!! Cant wait to get back to playing rugby, but i have to hit the gym to strenghten my knees. I dont wanna pull my ligament AGAIN 'cause it hurts like fuck. But its nothing compared to what i'm feeling now.

anyway, i'm sleepy and i have to work from 11am-7pm. so GD NIGHT!

SO the truth is out, hidden beneath nth but LIES

2007-05-22T01:34:00.000+08:00

thats it.
i'm done WITH YOU.
so much hurt and lies you've inflicted on me
with your actions which do not link with the words you say
so much for being your "best guy friend" lol.
but i'm not gonna let this bring me further down
in a grave that you've digged for me
i'm gonna come out strong
its fucked up to know you're seeing "him" now
calling him baby and shit
so much for being "pretty good friends",
probably with benefits,
in such a short period of time.
"AMAZING GRACE!"
at the same time telling me you still care
giving me "hope" for the future
because you dont want to be distracted
for now as its an important year
and you want to find "yourself"
or be by "yourself"
because you wanna step out of your comfort zone.
OH ALL FUCKING BOLLOCKS.
ALL LIES.
even the tears you shed over the phone
are fake to me.
you're probably lying to him or yourself too.
i hope you are and i hope he reads this too.
because i know you're being a bitch
you ought not to be.
OMG i still see hope in you. =)
i'm not gonna wait like a fool
and be your safety net while you "explore the world"
with different guys.
i'm just gonna move on
and explore what God has installed for me.
Because i guess,
i deserve someone much better
than you.
However
its gonna be a really painful process,
but i'm going to,
i have to
even though i'm in this alone.
i'm surprised it took you such a short period of time
to move on
while i'm left in the ditch.
no i'm not seeking sympathy from anyone
ESPECIALLY YOU.
it will take quite awhile 'cause
i have a heart,
unlike you,
which needs time to be healed.
no i shall not bring up the promises made,
memories and sacred moments shared
for they have become
of no value.

goodbye my ex-lover,
goodbye my so called friend.
you have been the one for me.
its such a shame for us to part
and a disappointment for
leaving me alone
to mend the broken pieces.

now you've got your wish
i'm moving on without you.
all the best with "him".

p.s. maybe i should hand over the purple throne which you gave me for him to wear. right baby? oh yes...you're gonna tell me you can always make a new one. its ok..i'll just burn this one then. =)

oh what a waste.

My heart feels numb

2007-05-19T12:47:00.000+08:00

I'm in a melancholy mood..and all the songs of sadness keep playing in my head.
One of many songs is this...

Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can't seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Now girl, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it's all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around...

What Goes Around, Comes Back Around Up Your Arse

2007-05-18T00:09:00.000+08:00

i've heard from and seen a few friends and acquaintances who had and are having long-distance relationships which do work out in the end. Everytime i look at them i wonder to myself "Why cant I be like them?" "Why cant mine be as successful as theirs?". Surprisingly i dont hate them, i feel happy for them. At the same time, i feel sad for myself. Why cant i be happy like them? Dont i deserve to be happy with someone i love though its a long distance relationship? yes i screwed up once, but i've fought so hard to prove that i'm worthy, sincere and repented. Why isnt that good enough to you? Am i not good enough? WHY? WHY? WHY?!?!

I hate being left alone to get over you..while you're going out with someone developing something new. Talking to him almost every night. Things i used to do and someone's doing it too. i hate it i hate it I HATE THIS!! Why cant it be just you and me? Why? This is so unfair...so FUCKING UNFAIR. I dont wanna be a safety net where you can just fall back on when things dont work out. Why do we have to go through this? We dont have to at all. But why? I'm beginning to feel useless, lousy and used after all the talk of saying that "ITS NOT OVER",that there's "HOPE" and "LOVE NEVER FAILS". What love is there left now for me when you're beginning to start something new with someone else? What more a barker boy. HAH! What a small world. Its such a shame that all the words said and efforts put in seem to have gone down the fucking canal into the sea just like that.

What can i do to make it right?
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
What did i do or say?
That pushed you away

I guess i'm getting a taste of my own poison...but i dont deserve this shit. i dont deserve it anymore.

Well, the saying goes, what goes around comes back around. Except that this time it comes straight up your arse, with a possibitlity that it might make a couple of twists and turns.

I cant wait to find out what else is installed for me, it will or might just turn out to be the "best" birthday present to recieve in a few months time.

Oooo...how exciting.

. . .

Only you can set me free

2007-05-17T14:02:00.000+08:00

YAAAAAAWWWWWWNNNSSSSSS!!! Good afternoon world. I just woke up after 8 hrs of sleep and i'm still sleepy. =/ Anyway..i'm having 2 off days this week! Thats because i was working during labour day which means my supervisor still owes me an extra day off. I had no choice but to clear it by this month, therefore i decided to take wednesday and thursday off together. It was a pretty good choice i must say because i gotta catch the A div rugby semi-finals, meet up with ronald whom i have not met in AGES and club. =)

The semi- finals was quite a disappointment. Why? ACJC lost to ACSI 15-6 and my brother didnt get a chance to play. But i gotta give it to both teams, it was indeed a good game. Both sides played their hearts out. However ACSI had the upper hand becaue they are just damn good. ACJC played well as well...they managed to camp in their opponents half but mistakes just caused them to lose possession of the ball. Sigh..it would be much more exciting if its an ALL AC finals. Oh well..another game was RJC vs SAJC. Dont wanna go into details how the game went because i cbf, but RJC won. So its ACJC vs SAJC fighting for 3rd/4th placing and ACSI and RJC in the finals.

(ACSI...PLEASE THRASH MOTHERFUCKING ARROGANT CUNTS)

Went to meet my bro and his gf at serene centre after the match because he left earlier and FORGOT to bring along his boots. I realised it was time for me to go home after half an hour because i had to meet Ronald in town for dinner followed by a night of fun to let our hair down. Should have just gone straight home after the match instead. I must say my bro's a really sweet guy because he sent his gf home last night. Hmmmm....now i know why he comes home late everday. haha. Sigh...why cant things be the same as before. If only i wasnt such a fool.

Anyway...dinner with Ronald was great! Ate at nydc and had a great time catching up with Ronald. We miss the good old times.

MAMBO NIGHT WAS AWESOME!!!!!

It has been a month plus or so since i last clubbed and AGES since i went to mambo at zouk! i really like dancing to retro songs with those hand moves. Its quite dumb, thats why it makes it fun. =) Ron and i first went to MOS..we got in free through his friend who is a member. It was quiet boring because there were only 3 of us. After that we met Ronald's friends and headed down to zouk to MAMBO. hahaha..had fun dancing to retro songs and the hand signs.

Amazing it seems, in the midst of the fun i was having, i wished a special someone was there with me.